My Story

It all started when I was 8 years old. On night I will never forget. I really believe it was the first day "the Cosby Show" aired but I could be wrong. My mother worked the 3pm-11pm shift at Bob Evans so my older brother, my younger brother had to be there, and myself were with my new step dad. I loved my new step dad. I know the first minute I saw him I wanted him to be my dad so when my mother asked us how we felt about making "Brother John" part of the family I was ecstatic like "the kick is good"! He was great he would let us stay up late when Mom was at work. He let us watch stuff on TV Mom would NEVER let us watch. He played games with us. It was great. Well this one night wasn't so great. I remember I had on my blue robe, it zipped up the front and I had on my "Thursday" panties. IT WAS THURSDAY what else would an 8 year old little girl have on but her Thursday panties? LOL and I had on some socks, I want to say they were red. I used to love my red socks! Anyway...my older brother and I were supposed to go to bed at 9PM (I now know that staying up late is highly overrated!) but "Dad" let us stay up late. My older brother said he was going to bed at about 10PM. NOT ME! Mom never let us stay up late (why didn't I just go to bed?!?) So I stayed up. Somewhere in the middle of "Hill Street Blues" (I still hate even the theme song from that show)he told me to come and sit on his lap. So I did. I told you I loved my new step daddy. He asked me for a kiss. So I kissed him on his cheek. He asked me for another one so I kissed him on the other cheek. He told me to kiss him on the lips so I did. Then he said something that puzzled me. He said, "kiss me like a big girl" so I put my hands on his cheeks and put my lips on his lips and counted to 3. Then he told me to do it again and this time he grabbed my head and put his tongue in my mouth. I laughed. I didn't realize this was going very wrong. He told me to take my clothes off because it was hot. So I took my robe off and laid on the floor to keep watching TV. He said didn't I tell you to sit on my lap so I went back to his lap. He said didn't tell you to take all your clothes off. I said I did. He said then why do you still have your underwear on. I gave him a Scooby Doo like "arfff?" I said no. Then he hit me on my thigh. Oh my goodness it felt like he broke it (in actuality it probably wasn't that hard). I was instantly gripped with fear. I mean it gripped my like a boa constrictor. I thought to myself if he would hit me then he might kill me. I told him I would tell my mother and he said if I did he would make me perform oral sex on him. I said you wouldn't dare. He then grabbed the back of me head and pressed it down toward his penis. I begged him not to and said I wouldn't tell. This kind of thing happened to me every night for the next 4 years and I never said no again. Then it stopped for a year. Then it started again. I fought him once when I was about 12 with all my might but he was too much for me. So I never tried again for about 3 more years.

I did, in fact, tell my mother in the middle of all of this. When I was 12 he started accusing me of being promiscuous in school (I wasn't allowed to go anywhere else). He would should my mother my underwear and tell her that my normal discharge was because of sexual activity. He made her take to the gynecologist. I remember this really kind woman asking me if I was having sex and telling me it was OK but we needed to tell my mother. I remember my crying and telling her that I had never even kissed a boy and I didn't know why they were doing this to me.

After that I told everyone who would listen. I told the pastor at the church we attended (where my step dad was head usher and taught the high school Sunday School class). Nothing. I told my high school guidance counselor. Nothing. My mother told my biological father (a police officer) Nothing. No one believed me. No one did anything to help me. I do remember my grandmother (my father's mother) asking me and telling me that she had been watching Oprah and she said to always believe the child. Well she believed me but she didn't do anything for me. It was a nightmare!

Here come the rainbow in this story. We left the church we were attending because the heat was on. We started attending a new church. Well in my Sunday school class there was boy who liked me. He would save the seat in front of him every week for me. He would hold my hand in class and sing "Let's Chill" by Guy to me while class was in session. We would sneak out to go Burger King between Sunday School and the actual church service. If he didn't come to Sunday School I would sit in church for a while and all of sudden I would have to go to the bathroom. It never failed every time I came out of the bathroom he was there waiting for me. I guess he was always somewhere he could see me even though I didn't see him. Well the green eyed monster got hep to what was going on and then we would come around the corner he would be there waiting to catch us. So needless to say every Sunday my step dad and this boy would almost fight over me. I was only 15 at the time but the drama went on for a couple years. Well one Sunday my guy and I were talking and all of a sudden he got this weird look on his face. I said "He (my step dad) is behind me isn't he?" He just nodded. I said you better go and I will deal with this. So he walked away from me and I turned around. My step dad said,"Didn't I tell you to stay away from that boy?" I said "Yes, sir." He said," so you are grown now and you're gonna just do what you want to do?" I said,"Yes, sir." He said, "I should knock you right upside your head." I said, "please make sure you bruise me so I can show the police!" At that point I thought he really was going to hit me, but he didn't. He just walked away. Now what I didn't know was that my guy really didn't leave the scene. So he came back and said," I thought he was going to hit you." I said, "So. What were you going to do?" He said, " I don't know, but I couldn't let you go out like that" and he kept shaking his head and saying" I couldn't let you go out like that. All of sudden I believe him. I cried and said," Why do you care?" He said, " I just do." I went home that day and looked at myself in the mirror and I just cried. I said to myself I don't see what he sees but if he was going to fight for me I must be worth fighting for so I will fight for myself. So I got a knife and I put it in the bed with me. Late that night when I heard my door open. I told my step dad if he stepped across the threshold of my door that one of us was going to die that night. He said,"Oh I see that little Ni**** got you thinking you are tough." I said, "Yep and if you come across the threshold I promise you that one of us will die. It might be me but one of use will die tonight." He left. He also never came back. I slept with that knife for week. I was done!!

Later on...I don't really remember how much time past but I was in my room and all of a sudden my radio came on and Charles Stanley was saying "Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. I will repay" I listened to the program and he was saying something about the Bible says when you are good to those who abuse you that it heaps coals of fire on their head. So I decided that day to forgive. I also decided to knock myself out serving my step dad so I could imagine his head just sizzling with coals burning.

Now periodically we have some smaller issues but issues none the less. Like I would find my underwear in his briefcase IN A SANDWICH BAG!! or I would find pictures of me and my friends with my friends cut out and me blown up and even parts of my body blown up even more. The last straw for me was when my little sister found some log in information to an adult website where the log in name was my name and the password was cybilspu$$#. Despite what some people think I know I have forgiven him and I pray for him every day, but I have just reached a point (right now) where I don't choose to be around him. So I don't go home to Pittsburgh that often and when I do go home I limit my time with both my parents and my time in his presence is extremely minimal and at this point NONE! I know it is hard on my mother but she chose to stay with him. I don't have to stay with him because she did.

As I seek counseling and work out my issues I feel so empowered. I feel like for once I matter, for once my feelings matter and for once I feel valued. I know it may create and uncomfortable situation for the rest of my family but right now I like how I feel. I feel like I have voice and it deserves to be heard. See my voice got silenced when I told my step dad no and he hit me. But I have my voice back now.

I hope this helps someone. My therapist said I need to write it out. So I decided to share so may be someone else can start their healing process too.