My Story

It all started when I was 8 years old. On night I will never forget. I really believe it was the first day "the Cosby Show" aired but I could be wrong. My mother worked the 3pm-11pm shift at Bob Evans so my older brother, my younger brother had to be there, and myself were with my new step dad. I loved my new step dad. I know the first minute I saw him I wanted him to be my dad so when my mother asked us how we felt about making "Brother John" part of the family I was ecstatic like "the kick is good"! He was great he would let us stay up late when Mom was at work. He let us watch stuff on TV Mom would NEVER let us watch. He played games with us. It was great. Well this one night wasn't so great. I remember I had on my blue robe, it zipped up the front and I had on my "Thursday" panties. IT WAS THURSDAY what else would an 8 year old little girl have on but her Thursday panties? LOL and I had on some socks, I want to say they were red. I used to love my red socks! Anyway...my older brother and I were supposed to go to bed at 9PM (I now know that staying up late is highly overrated!) but "Dad" let us stay up late. My older brother said he was going to bed at about 10PM. NOT ME! Mom never let us stay up late (why didn't I just go to bed?!?) So I stayed up. Somewhere in the middle of "Hill Street Blues" (I still hate even the theme song from that show)he told me to come and sit on his lap. So I did. I told you I loved my new step daddy. He asked me for a kiss. So I kissed him on his cheek. He asked me for another one so I kissed him on the other cheek. He told me to kiss him on the lips so I did. Then he said something that puzzled me. He said, "kiss me like a big girl" so I put my hands on his cheeks and put my lips on his lips and counted to 3. Then he told me to do it again and this time he grabbed my head and put his tongue in my mouth. I laughed. I didn't realize this was going very wrong. He told me to take my clothes off because it was hot. So I took my robe off and laid on the floor to keep watching TV. He said didn't I tell you to sit on my lap so I went back to his lap. He said didn't tell you to take all your clothes off. I said I did. He said then why do you still have your underwear on. I gave him a Scooby Doo like "arfff?" I said no. Then he hit me on my thigh. Oh my goodness it felt like he broke it (in actuality it probably wasn't that hard). I was instantly gripped with fear. I mean it gripped my like a boa constrictor. I thought to myself if he would hit me then he might kill me. I told him I would tell my mother and he said if I did he would make me perform oral sex on him. I said you wouldn't dare. He then grabbed the back of me head and pressed it down toward his penis. I begged him not to and said I wouldn't tell. This kind of thing happened to me every night for the next 4 years and I never said no again. Then it stopped for a year. Then it started again. I fought him once when I was about 12 with all my might but he was too much for me. So I never tried again for about 3 more years.

I did, in fact, tell my mother in the middle of all of this. When I was 12 he started accusing me of being promiscuous in school (I wasn't allowed to go anywhere else). He would should my mother my underwear and tell her that my normal discharge was because of sexual activity. He made her take to the gynecologist. I remember this really kind woman asking me if I was having sex and telling me it was OK but we needed to tell my mother. I remember my crying and telling her that I had never even kissed a boy and I didn't know why they were doing this to me.

After that I told everyone who would listen. I told the pastor at the church we attended (where my step dad was head usher and taught the high school Sunday School class). Nothing. I told my high school guidance counselor. Nothing. My mother told my biological father (a police officer) Nothing. No one believed me. No one did anything to help me. I do remember my grandmother (my father's mother) asking me and telling me that she had been watching Oprah and she said to always believe the child. Well she believed me but she didn't do anything for me. It was a nightmare!

Here come the rainbow in this story. We left the church we were attending because the heat was on. We started attending a new church. Well in my Sunday school class there was boy who liked me. He would save the seat in front of him every week for me. He would hold my hand in class and sing "Let's Chill" by Guy to me while class was in session. We would sneak out to go Burger King between Sunday School and the actual church service. If he didn't come to Sunday School I would sit in church for a while and all of sudden I would have to go to the bathroom. It never failed every time I came out of the bathroom he was there waiting for me. I guess he was always somewhere he could see me even though I didn't see him. Well the green eyed monster got hep to what was going on and then we would come around the corner he would be there waiting to catch us. So needless to say every Sunday my step dad and this boy would almost fight over me. I was only 15 at the time but the drama went on for a couple years. Well one Sunday my guy and I were talking and all of a sudden he got this weird look on his face. I said "He (my step dad) is behind me isn't he?" He just nodded. I said you better go and I will deal with this. So he walked away from me and I turned around. My step dad said,"Didn't I tell you to stay away from that boy?" I said "Yes, sir." He said," so you are grown now and you're gonna just do what you want to do?" I said,"Yes, sir." He said, "I should knock you right upside your head." I said, "please make sure you bruise me so I can show the police!" At that point I thought he really was going to hit me, but he didn't. He just walked away. Now what I didn't know was that my guy really didn't leave the scene. So he came back and said," I thought he was going to hit you." I said, "So. What were you going to do?" He said, " I don't know, but I couldn't let you go out like that" and he kept shaking his head and saying" I couldn't let you go out like that. All of sudden I believe him. I cried and said," Why do you care?" He said, " I just do." I went home that day and looked at myself in the mirror and I just cried. I said to myself I don't see what he sees but if he was going to fight for me I must be worth fighting for so I will fight for myself. So I got a knife and I put it in the bed with me. Late that night when I heard my door open. I told my step dad if he stepped across the threshold of my door that one of us was going to die that night. He said,"Oh I see that little Ni**** got you thinking you are tough." I said, "Yep and if you come across the threshold I promise you that one of us will die. It might be me but one of use will die tonight." He left. He also never came back. I slept with that knife for week. I was done!!

Later on...I don't really remember how much time past but I was in my room and all of a sudden my radio came on and Charles Stanley was saying "Vengeance is mine saith the Lord. I will repay" I listened to the program and he was saying something about the Bible says when you are good to those who abuse you that it heaps coals of fire on their head. So I decided that day to forgive. I also decided to knock myself out serving my step dad so I could imagine his head just sizzling with coals burning.

Now periodically we have some smaller issues but issues none the less. Like I would find my underwear in his briefcase IN A SANDWICH BAG!! or I would find pictures of me and my friends with my friends cut out and me blown up and even parts of my body blown up even more. The last straw for me was when my little sister found some log in information to an adult website where the log in name was my name and the password was cybilspu$$#. Despite what some people think I know I have forgiven him and I pray for him every day, but I have just reached a point (right now) where I don't choose to be around him. So I don't go home to Pittsburgh that often and when I do go home I limit my time with both my parents and my time in his presence is extremely minimal and at this point NONE! I know it is hard on my mother but she chose to stay with him. I don't have to stay with him because she did.

As I seek counseling and work out my issues I feel so empowered. I feel like for once I matter, for once my feelings matter and for once I feel valued. I know it may create and uncomfortable situation for the rest of my family but right now I like how I feel. I feel like I have voice and it deserves to be heard. See my voice got silenced when I told my step dad no and he hit me. But I have my voice back now.

I hope this helps someone. My therapist said I need to write it out. So I decided to share so may be someone else can start their healing process too.

Her name is ME!!

So many of you have been asking about me. Who is "CybTay"? What makes me tick. Why do I like reading so much? Well here we go.

As a child I hated to read. I made a decision in about the 10th grade to start reading because my teachers convinced me that to be successful in college I needed to read and read a lot. I decided to read books by African American authors. I figured "hey I'm black, they're black so this must be a good place to start." My first book was "Roots" by Alex Haley. I know! It was huge. I had big dreams. Well, in the middle of it I got bored and I read "A Raisin in the Sun" by Lorraine Hansberry and then went back and finished "Roots." I like both of these books so much that I joined a book club in...hmm... I think 11th grade. Then I read "The Learning Tree" by Gordon Parks, Jr. and the "Autobiography of Malcolm X." Please don't ask me to blog any of those cause I only remember bits and pieces of each. Then I broadened my horizons to non African and American authors and I read "Of Mice and Men," "True Grit" in addition to all the books we had to read as part of the school curriculum. By my senior year of high school I was turned on to literature and fell in love with books like "Beowulf" (the movie did it no justice) "the Iliad" and "the Odyssey," by Homer. My mother used to call me Penelope because Penelope would give up on her man coming back. LOL Hence my love for reading began.

I wish I could say it was that deep now.

Honestly, the motivation for my recent "quest for knowledge" was stimulated by a break up. I was really in love with a really great guy. We had a rocky start but that is because as our goals and expectations transitioned in the middle and it created unnecessary drama for both of us. However, we finally managed to get it together, or so I thought, and for about 8 months we were having a good time. I guess only I was. To his credit, I will say that at the end he opened up and told me how he was feeling which is rare for a man (especially a single man). So I had a snippet of what was going on. Like it says in the Bible in 1 Corinthians 12: 12 "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I could see and know but only in part. Even though as he was talking to me it was like Charlie Brown's teacher "wonk, wonk, wonk, wooonk" I didn't understand what he was trying to communicate to me. So, I wrote it all down and began my quest for wisdom and understanding.

I started with "The Five Love Languages" because while at church I heard pastor talking about it. I often said to myself "I know love him and I know he loves me but I don't understand him. It like we speak in different languages and I mean not Latin based languages like French and Spanish that perhaps certain words sound alike but German and Chinese." When it is good it is great but when it is bad it is awful. So when he said some of you don't have a love problem but a "love language" issue. Well a light came on. I mean I just said we seem to speak different languages so that made so much sense. While I was at Wal-Mart one day I went to the book section looking for another book actually, I saw "the Five Love Languages" and I bought that because I remembered the pastor at church. This book changed everything for me. I wanted to call him and say, "Honey, I figured it all out!" but I didn't because I learned so much about myself in the process and that started my quest for wisdom for about me. The biggest enemy for me is me, but the enemy I bet every time is me because greater is He that is in me. So when I am on God's side He fights and wins every battle even when is against me.

So I created a reading plan to assist with the quest to gain wisdom and understanding about myself . Every Sunday of a month I would begin a new book as follows:
1st Sunday - a book to improve my relationship with God. I believe that is the foundation!
2nd Sunday - a book to improve my relationship with myself.
3rd Sunday - a book to improve my finances or business savvy
4th Sunday - a book to improve my relationships with others
if a 5th Sunday - a fiction book (sista needs to take it easy some times)

For those of you keeping score, since I started on a 4th Sunday week I decided to leave that as the week for relationships with others. But I didn't want to get into a rut and only read relationship books because I would spend hours agonizing about all the things I could have done better in my failed relationship. I was sinking instead of rising and when that happens I have to encourage myself in the Lord. That is why God got the first week. I wish I could say it was deeper. I wish I could say I wanted to "seek ye first the kingdom" or that "I wanted to offer God my first fruit of the month" but see how God works His plan regardless. Remarkable.

So the books I have either blogged or still need to blog are as follows:
God = "Qualified for a Miracle"
Me = "How to talk so people will listen"
Finance/Business = "How to remove your salary cap without quitting your day job"
Relationships = "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" and "Catch Him/Keep Him"
Fiction = "The Shack"

Then... one day I was listening to Moody Bible Institute Radio and I heard this man, Steven K. Scott, talking about his book "The Richest Man Who Ever Lived. King Solomon's secrets to success, wealth, and happiness." I was so intrigued by what he was saying I went to the bookstore. This book was $20! I said I wasn't spending that on a book. So I went to the library. Well the whole library system had 18 copies and they were all checked and the next 3 returned were requested. So I had to wait and wait AND WAIT. When I got this book I was convicted about my life by chapter2! I called my mentor and told him to get this book so he could press me in these areas and challenge me. Well he got the book and I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks. He then told me that he too was challenged and I picked a real winner this time. So for all of April I read this book and did the "homework" at the end of each chapter. And the book touches all 4 weeks topics so I was still good.

I did go out and spend the $20!! LOL

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND "THE RICHEST MAN WHO EVER LIVED!" As my mentor and I dissect this book I will blog chapter by chapter cause this book is deep!


I can't say what is going to happen with that relationship. I do miss him but I am really enjoying gaining wisdom and understanding and bringing diligence into every area of my life. Proverbs 16:16 says "How much better is it to get wisdom than gold! and to get understanding rather to be chosen than silver!"

Oh yeah... if you can't tell I am a Bible believing Christian and I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

And her name is Me!